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Thursday, February 16, 2012

How I hate the timid me

Every time I am asked by my teachers to recite in front of the whole class, it takes me back to a certain event in my life. It happened when I was still in grade school. I can't remember exactly when but the happenings were still vivid in my mind.

It was when we were asked by our English teacher to write a short paragraph in 20 minutes about our "Greatest fear" and how will we overcome it. I can still remember how happy I was while writing and when I finished my paragraph, stating "kittens" as my "Greatest fear" on it. I was very pleased and satisfied about what I wrote. We were asked again to do another activity, but this time we will synthesize our paragraphs, then our teacher said that we will recite the paragraph that we wrote. Reciting in front of the class is really not my thing. I don't know why but I'm really not into it. We were 35 pupils in our class, and each of us were called alphabetically, so I really had a sort of long time feeling anxious and nervous since my last name starts with "Z". Because of my extreme nervousness(I can still remember it when)I wished that my last name starts with an "A". My knees were trembling, I felt my hands' cold, and my eyes were watery. Then finally it was my turn. I walk cautiously while my knees were trembling but I did my best to not make obvious. When I got to the front I really tried to calm myself but it wasn't working, then my teacher said "start", I can hardly speak. My voice made my trembling obvious. Then I can't recall when I stopped. All I knew was I already burst out crying. I tried my best again to stop my tears but it was unstoppable. I can't stop crying so my teacher just asked me to go back to my seat. My classmates thought that maybe I got too emotional while sharing my "Greatest fear". The truth is, I cried because I was too much nervous and I thought that I will feel better after crying, but it was the opposite. I was disappointed to myself because instead of finishing my paragraph I ended up crying. That was really embarrassing. I should've wrote "Stage fright" as my greatest fear.

When I entered high school I still have the jitters every time I'm called to recite. Until now that I'm in college. But I don't cry anymore unlike back then when I as in grade school. I'm really trying my best to get rid of it. I encourage and calm myself every time we have recitals but when I get in front of the class all my self-encouragement washed away. Then I stutter.

I really hate the timid me. It's depressingly irritating. I know that I should get rid of it but I don't know how. I should get rid of it, but not now. I'm not ready yet.

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